Homoventures Chapter 1, Part 7

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Summary

Xan and Justen have more emotional talk about their feels :3

Session

Session date: Jul 05 2012

Diablotin date:

• Xandhil quietly extricates himself from boys, unable to sleep
• Xandhil kneels by Justen's head, watching him

[DiablotinNarrator] Sirris rolls over, seemingly undisturbed by your absence.

• Justen sleeps peacefully, sprawling as usual.
• Xandhil glances at him, then inches closer to justen

[Xandhil] . o O ( <3 :( )

• Xandhil carrrrrefully lifts his head, and scoots over to set it in his lap, looking down at him
• Xandhil gently pushes his hair back out of his face
• Justen murmurs something that sounds like "Mercy, quit it"
• Xandhil smiles at that

[Xandhil] :3

• Xandhil strokes his cheek, thinking about all the things he loves about justen
• Justen stirs a bit more, and his eyes open partway, looking up at you.

[Xandhil] . o O (He's beautiful... kind, he makes me see people as better than they are...) [Justen] [q] hey [Xandhil] [q] hey.

• Xandhil looks a little sad

[Justen] [q] what's wrong?

• Xandhil shakes his head
• Xandhil strokes your cheek again

[Xandhil] [q]Go back to sleep. [Justen] mmm... 'snice though

• Justen turns his head slightly to kiss your hand.
• Xandhil smiles, and traces his lips with a finger

[Xandhil] (your lips)

• Justen gives it a little nip.
• Xandhil flicks his nose

[Justen] [q] you want more? insatiable... [Xandhil] [q]you'll be tired tomorrow...

• Justen teases

[Justen] [q] don't care.

• Xandhil half smiles
• Justen arches up to pull you down for a proper kiss

[Justen] (well, proper but upside-down ;)

• Xandhil is more in a slow romanticy kissing mood than for sexy snoggings
• Justen can do that :)

[Xandhil] mmmm...

• Xandhil helps/pulls you up so that you're not kissing upside down, at least
• Justen gets readjusted into a more comfortable orientation
• Xandhil wraps his arms and wings around you
• Justen strokes your fine hair.

[Justen] [q] You're so beautiful. [Xandhil] [q] thanks....

• Xandhil leans his head against your shoulder

[Justen] [q] is everything ok? are you sad we're going home?

• Justen guesses

[Xandhil] :/ [Xandhil] [q] I dunno... maybe. [Justen] [q] wanna talk about it?

• Xandhil looks up at you searchingly, a little apprehensive of what you might have to say.
• Xandhil glances at sleeping Sirris
• Justen looks concerned, caring for you.

[Xandhil] [q] Can we go outside?

• Justen nods, takes your hand to go outside the tent.
• Xandhil goes out with you

[DiablotinNarrator] Outside the air is still, though chilly, and there are a million stars.

• Xandhil looks up at them
• Xandhil also shivers
• Justen wraps his arms around your shoulders to keep you warm

[Xandhil] My father says that everything is made of stars, even the gods

• Justen glances up at them

[Justen] Maybe. That's what the elves said too. [Xandhil] and when we die, that's what happens to us, we turn back into the stuff that makes them

• Xandhil nods

[Xandhil] The stars don't care what we do, what happens to us. [Xandhil] They're powerful, but they're just there

• Justen nods

[Xandhil] They don't think or feel or anything like we'd understand they just exist. [Justen] All the rules are things people made up. [Xandhil] yeah :/ [Xandhil] I just...

• Xandhil looks at you

[Xandhil] I hate it when you say thing, liek... about kavreshar making you come out here, like you can't decide things for yourself, like none of the things you say and do and want are yours. [Justen] ...oh.

• Justen thinks about that for a minute.

[Xandhil] :/ [Xandhil] I'm sorry. [Justen] I hate feeling like that too... Because then I worry that what if all the things in my life are like that? [Justen] I don't think they are... I think what I feel for you is my own. [Justen] But it makes me scared. [Xandhil] It.... its confusing [Xandhil] You make me feel special. I've never even thought about loving anyone else [Justen] Because... they're so much bigger and they know so much more, it seems, and what if they do have some sort of plan that I can't understand. [Xandhil] I want to be special for you [Justen] you are. You are so special, Xan. [Xandhil] but I want... [Xandhil] I don't know

• Xandhil sniffs

[Xandhil] I don't want it to be some *plan* [Justen] Neither do I. [Justen] But... listen.

• Xandhil listens

[Justen] You came to me. You made me feel loved, and special, and important, and all of those things. And that was you doing that, not anyone else. [Justen] I didn't go looking for you, but you found me anyway. [Justen] And ... if it was really a plan, wouldn't I have been the one going looking? [Xandhil] Why? [Justen] Because I'm his son? Because probably if they can affect anyone here, it's me? and Mercy, I guess. [Xandhil] ...

• Xandhil hugs you, but doesn't say anything to that
• Justen hugs back.

[Justen] I don't know if they even can, like that. [Justen] Like, I don't get messages in my head saying "go back to school, move in with Xan, kill the emperor" :p

• Justen jokes, or tries to.
• Xandhil doesn't laugh, but digs his fingers into your sides more tightly

[Justen] I just feel things are right sometimes. But doesn't everyone feel that? [Justen] It feels right to be with you. [Justen] And I don't think that's ... not real. [Xandhil] If we hadn't ever come out here.... [Xandhil] Things wouldn't have changed. [Justen] Maybe. Maybe not. [Xandhil] You say it feels right to be with me but, before... [Justen] But before I was stupid :p

• Xandhil is fighting very hard to make words not tears

[Justen] I was stupid, and scared. [Xandhil] Oh. [Xandhil] but now you're *sure*. [Justen] But I realized that losing you was more scary than loving you. [Justen] And ... if we never came here, I hope I would have figured that out anyway [Justen] eventually -_- [Xandhil] :/ [Justen] ... I'm not saying all this right, I'm sorry. [Xandhil] I just want you to be free [Xandhil] It scares me

• Justen nods.

[Justen] Me too, sometimes. [Justen] but... hm.

• Justen thinks a bit more.

[Xandhil] It makes me thing scary things

• Xandhil clings

[Justen] Like what?

• Xandhil shakes his head

[Justen] You can say it... whatever it is, you can say it to me.

• Justen strokes your back, holding you close.

[Xandhil] [q]that I... we....should just....turn back in to stars [Justen] oh. [Justen] no... no we shouldn't do that. [Justen] not for a long, long time.

• Xandhil can't look at your face

[Justen] because... I don't know if stars can love each other.

• Xandhil sobs
• Justen clings to you.
• Justen just lets you cry for a bit, if that's what you need.
• Xandhil does, though he hates himself for it
• Justen eventually tips your face up to look at him, though.

[Justen] I love you, Xan. That's real. I'm sure.

• Xandhil nods

[Xandhil] I just love you so much...

• Justen nods too.
• Justen kisses your tears.
• Xandhil breathes

[Xandhil] But... there's... the way you make me feel [Xandhil] And then I think... [Xandhil] is that just all part [Xandhil] I don't want it it be

• Justen nods.

[Xandhil] but I still want it [Justen] Well... it's not going anywhere, I don't think.

• Xandhil looks up as if he hopes you can make some sense of that

[Justen] I ... I thought of a thing, but maybe it will make you feel more upset, I don't know :/ [Xandhil] what? [Justen] An analogy.

• Xandhil nods

[Justen] What if there's this couple whose parents arrange their marriage. Well, they still might love each other, or they might not. Their feelings are still theirs. And if they love each other, even though it's arranged for them, does that make the love less real? [Xandhil] ... [Xandhil] I don't know. [Xandhil] no. [Xandhil] I mean [Xandhil] I don't know if its the same [Justen] my feelings are mine, and yours are yours. I refuse to think they can control that. [Xandhil] then what do they control? [Justen] I don't know. [Justen] Maybe nothing. [Xandhil] that's what I want. [Xandhil] they can just... fuck off [Xandhil] and I'll have you all for me [Justen] Then let's live our lives like that's the truth.

• Justen smiles faintly at that.

[Xandhil] well, not all... [Xandhil] but enough

• Justen nods

[Xandhil] I'll be okay.

• Xandhil says, looking up at you again
• Justen kisses you again.
• Xandhil kisses back

[Justen] [w] You're mine. No matter what. [Xandhil] [w] always

• Xandhil agrees
• Justen smiles