Hayley and Janus try to work things out, 6/17/2005
- Hayley has been fidgeting in the suite all day.
- Hayley 's attention span is very short... can't concentrate on anything.
- Hayley is currently stretched out on a sofa engaged in thought. A book lies on her chest, spread open with the spine up. Poor book.
- Janus appears toward the end of the day, close to five o'clock, perhaps.
- Janus closes the door almost soundlessly behind him.
- Janus is wearing a voluminous white laced shirt, with tight fitting black leather pants, a long black high-collared leather coat/robe, and high black boots buckled 4 times around each calf. His
hair is pulled back from his face in an intricate plait.
- Janus is also carrying his scythe.
- Hayley hears him come in and sits up hopefully, setting the book on a side table.
- Hayley is surprised by the scythe. :o
- Janus looks quite regal with it, anyway.
- Hayley says quietly, regarding him contritely.
<Janus> I received your message.
- Janus says guardedly.
- Janus leans the weapon in a corner and begins to pull off his gloves.
<Hayley> Oh? I'm glad...
- Hayley stands up and approaches him, wringing her hands slightly.
<Hayley> I *am* sorry, for what I said. I said it out of anger and frustration but it was cruel and hurtful and I don't mean it... <Janus> Didn't you...
- Janus sets the gloves carefully on a table, not meeting your eyes.
- Hayley shakes her head no, she didn't mean it.
<Hayley> I know how much you love me.
- Hayley says quietly.
<Janus> I know how much you fear me. <Janus> Or my mother.
- Hayley looks uncertain - what has he heard?
<Hayley> I am a bit afraid, yes... of losing you, or losing your interest.
- Janus 's expression is closed and difficult to read...
<Janus> I have been told you thought she would harm you should you fail to keep it.
- Hayley looks unhappy, and nods.
<Janus> Is *that* love?
- Janus sighs heavily, the first betrayal of his true feelings.
<Hayley> What? No, of course that is not... <Hayley> That is not why I chose to stay with you. <Hayley> But I'm glad that I know now, that I misunderstood. <Janus> The past two years. Is that what this has been built upon? <Hayley> No! <Hayley> I do love you, with all my heart. <Janus> Do you?
- Hayley looks hurt and bewildered.
<Janus> Or do you fear what will happen if you do not? <Hayley> I am afraid, of being alone. Of being set aside by you in favour of someone else... because I am never happier than when I am with you. Even when I did believe that something might befall me if I ever hurt you again, I loved being with you.
- Hayley is looking more and more worried. What is going on here? Her eyes do begin to well up.
- Janus looks down at you briefly, then turns away so that you cannot see his face.
<Hayley> Please believe me... you know everything there is to know about me - can't you see how much you mean to me?
- Hayley 's voice sounds strained.
<Janus> Things are ... .unclear. The nature of our relationship concerns me.
- Janus sounds vaguely rehearsed.
<Hayley> Janus? <Hayley> What's going on? You're scaring me.
- Hayley does sound scared.
<Hayley> Please look at me. Tell me whatever you must but do it while you're looking at me. <Janus> ...
- Hayley wonders if she *is* about to be set aside. She is just barely keeping herself under control.
- Hayley reaches out and touches your shoulder gently.
- Janus shrugs away, but turns to face you again.
<Janus> The things you have said... They would not come so readily to your lips if they were not already in some way within your mind.
- Hayley looks frightened and about to cry.
<Hayley> I don't know if they are. It might just be me... I was so frightened of doing anything to upset you, I still am. <Janus> Why is that? <Hayley> I don't know what you expect of me... how I'm supposed to comport myself with others. <Janus> 'Others'? <Hayley> My friends, anyone I talk to... I know you don't trust me very much. I'm always asking your permission to do things, so you'll know where I am and what I'm doing... <Hayley> I don't know if that's just something I... started doing on my own, or if it seemed like it was what you wanted. <Hayley> I don't remember. <Janus> You feel ... oppressed in our relationship. Controlled.
- Hayley swallows and rubs at her eyes, then looks back at you.
<Hayley> I do, a bit... but that might just be me. I don't know. I don't know anymore. <Janus> So it is true, then.
- Janus strains to keep his voice level, looking up at the ceiling for no readily apparent reason.
<Hayley> I do feel constrained, yes. But it is probably me. I still love you.
- Hayley does start crying now, but she tries to fight back the tears... you don't like it when she cries.
<Janus> You -- you're just telling me what you think I want to hear.
- Janus falters...
Please don't cry.
- Hayley renews her efforts not to cry.
<Hayley> I'll try not to... it's not fair for me to cry. I'm sorry.
- Hayley brings herself marginally more under control because you asked her to.
- Hayley dashes angrily at her tears, oh how she hates being so weak.
- Hayley hiccoughs a couple of times, then looks back at you.
- Janus is looking down at the floor.
<Hayley> How - how can we fix this? <Hayley> Please, I want to fix it.
- Hayley moves in closer to you and looks up at you, love shining through her tear-filled eyes.
<Janus> I do not want you to think of me as... as a 'master.' <Janus> That word...
- Janus looks away from you again.
You made me feel dirty and, and... *vile*.
- Hayley crumples back into tears.
As though I were purchasing your 'services' with my protection.
- Janus 's voice catches slightly.
<Hayley> We're not - we're not like that. <Hayley> It was an awful thing to say... I was lashing out because I felt so hurt and angry. But I don't really think of you like that... not as a master. <Janus> Well how do you propose to unsay it, then?
- Janus loses his composure, his voice anguished.
<Janus> How can I hold you, how can I touch you, with that echoing in my mind? <Janus> How can I help but wonder if it is not also in yours? <Hayley> I can't take back time. All I can do is say I'm sorry, and that I need help understanding... <Hayley> I love it here, I do - I like meeting so many people. But it's different from Oxford... it was just us there, and we were like a husband and wife.
- Janus sits down in a chair, and holds his head in his hands, leaning foward with his elbows on his knees.
- Janus mutters something you can't quite make out.
<Hayley> Here I'm "That girl who sleeps with the Prince." What do I say to those people? Girlfriend doesn't seem quite right - we're more than that. <Janus> It's none of their business. <Hayley> But it is... it comes up in conversations all the time. *I* bring our relationship up all the time... Even when I start out trying not to, so new people won't judge me without getting to know me. You're the center of my life, how can I not talk about you, about how much I love you? It's only natural... <Janus> Say then... say then that you are my companion... or consort. <Hayley> ... <Hayley> Companion sounds all right...
- Hayley smiles slightly.
<Hayley> I was saying mistress... but it never felt right. All the mistresses I ever knew were so confident and competent... not like me. <Hayley> They never worried about losing their lover's interest because they were just so interesting and amazing... :/ <Janus> Why do you say these things? <Hayley> Well... because I don't do anything, I guess...
- Janus looks up.
<Hayley> I go play in the woods and then come home. <Janus> You are the reson for everything that I do. <Janus> You are my muse...
- Hayley smiles slightly, shyly.
- Janus gazes at you somewhat wistfully.
<Hayley> I do love you, Janus... more than anything else in the world.
- Hayley says quietly.
<Janus> Why do you think that I would ever stop loving you? <Hayley> Well... we're just like everyone else now. We don't *have* to love each other. <Hayley> Someday you might meet someone else who is just the most interesting, brilliant, beautiful person you've ever met, and I will look pale in comparison. <Janus> No. <Janus> I would have to stop my heart from beating, to walk away from you.
- Hayley 's eyes spring up with tears again, but they're more happy ones, and she smiles radiantly through them.
- Hayley reaches up to touch your cheek with the featheriest of touches. Hopefully you won't pull away, this time.
- Janus looks down at you, not moving away.
- Janus 's eyes still seem profoundly sad.
<Hayley> Oh Janus, what is it?
- Hayley regards you with concern, a little frown of worry making a vertical line between her brows.
<Janus> I wish to erase these past few days. <Janus> But it is impossible.
- Hayley 's concern deepens.
<Hayley> . o O (Just because of me?)
- Hayley has no idea what else is bothering him.
<Hayley> I - I'm sorry.
- Hayley 's eyes shine less, because she's not sure now whether he feels this way because of her... :/
<Hayley> Did something else happen?
- Hayley hopes it isn't just what she did... isn't she forgiven yet? :/
- Hayley wishes he didn't have to feel that way at all. :(
<Janus> No... <Janus> Well, it's unrelated. <Hayley> Oh, Janus, I'm not going to turn a deaf ear if you wish to talk about... or if you can talk about it.
- Hayley strokes your cheek gently with her thumb.
- Hayley looks worried about you and all the hard things that are going on in your life right now.
<Janus> You don't want to know.
- Hayley looks uncertain.
<Hayley> I want to know if it will help you... <Janus> ...
- Hayley knows that when *she* says *he* doesn't want to know, she's usually right that it's not something he'd want to know. But also, it would help her if he *did* hear it.
<Janus> It is the Church... <Hayley> Oh... <Janus> Your brothers have drawn their gaze to us. <Janus> Kolya has seen it. <Hayley> What? How? <Janus> They have brought a piece of the darkness with them. <Janus> He has seen them bringing a bell of iron to Wales. <Hayley> What? What exactly did he say, Janus?
- Hayley looks at you fiercely - this is very, very important.
<Janus> I was not present. He reports to my mother. <Janus> She is going to hold court here. Next week. Every Duke, Count, and Baron in Wales will be attending, or at the very least sending a representative. Kolya will describe his visions, and they will use them to scour the countryside in search of the exact location. If we are lucky, we will crush this incursion before they have time to use their weapon. <Hayley> There's no way I could speak to him about his vision, is there?! <Janus> I doubt it will be permitted.
- Hayley looks at you urgently.
<Hayley> What is going to happen to my brothers? <Janus> Nothing... <Janus> Well, we are not going to do anything to them. The damage has been done. There is no point in any action against them.
- Hayley 's face is a mixture of expressions. Fear, concern, fierce anger and relief.
<Hayley> I don't know how this could be... <Hayley> They've never come after me, and they wanted me to be a Hound. <Hayley> My brothers - they are just slaves. The Church could care less about them. <Janus> Perhaps it is not you they are seeking. <Janus> Nor your brothers. <Hayley> But why should my brothers trigger their interest then? <Janus> I am told the manner of their rescue was somewhat dramatic. <Hayley> Oh... <Hayley> :/
- Hayley doesn't have much to say about that. She wasn't there, right? ;D
- Hayley is looking down at her lap, where her hand has dropped.
<Hayley> I am sorry. <Hayley> If there is anything I can do to help, will you tell me?
- Hayley looks back up at you.
<Hayley> It's been four years, so some things have probably changed... <Hayley> But I do still know a bit about... how they do things. <Janus> I don't think that there is anything you can do. <Janus> Windrider has a contact who is an expert on the subject...
- Hayley looks away again, hurt and disappointed. Why is she so useless?
- Hayley nods.
<Hayley> Well, then, never mind. <Janus> A shapeshifter... he went, yesterday...
- Hayley nods, listening.
- Hayley settles herself on the soft, cushy arm of the chair you are sitting in, and leans her head on your shoulder.
- Janus sort of stares off into space.
<Hayley> (Empathy... does he know I went too?) <Janus> (you think not) <Hayley> (Is this a test? ;) ) <Hayley> (okay - I will keep quiet about it then, out of respect for WR)
- Hayley slips her little hand into one of yours.
<Hayley> Would you like to go stargazing once it's dark? We haven't done that in such a long time... <Janus> If it stays clear, perhaps...
- Hayley nods, then turns her head and smiles at you.
<Hayley> It will be clear if you want it to. <Janus> ¬_¬ <Hayley> But if you don't feel like it, that's also okay. <Hayley> I'd just like to spend some quiet time with you, and I always love listening to you talk about the stars. <Hayley> But we can do something else - um, if you're not busy tonight. <Janus> I have no further appointments this evening, no. <Janus> ...
- Hayley snuggles in a little closer.
<Hayley> Well, what would you like to do? <Janus> I... I don't really know.
- Hayley glances out the window. Is it still windy much?
<Janus> (the branches on the trees seem to be moving somewhat, from what you can see) <Hayley> It's still windy - we could take Our Lady of Solitude out for a bit...
- Hayley suggests.
- Janus leans his head against yours and sighs.
<Hayley> (I wonder how comfy that is, really, with those horns. ;D) <Hayley> Or we could just sit here quietly and enjoy one another's company. <Janus> . o O ( We have resolved nothing... ) <Janus> I should stay here, in case the Queen should need me. <Hayley> Oh. All right. <Hayley> How is she? <Janus> She overtaxes herself.
- Hayley nods.
<Hayley> I was thinking the same thing this morning... <Hayley> She must know her limits though. <Janus> I wonder. <Hayley> She is proud... she doesn't want everyone doting on her. I don't think I would, either, if it were me. <Hayley> But it does make it hard on all the rest of us, who want her and the baby to be safe. <Hayley> :/ <Janus> I do not know how she will manage this session of court.
- Hayley carefully disengages herself from your cheek so that she can look at you while we speak.
<Hayley> Strength and will. <Hayley> She is a real Queen. <Janus> Yes.. <Janus> She is a great comfort to me. <Hayley> I know... <Janus> ... <Janus> I do not know how you could believe such terrible things of her. <Hayley> ... <Janus> She *forgave* your broken oath...! <Hayley> ...
- Hayley is surprised - are we going to have another fight? ;_;
<Hayley> Would you like to know exactly what she said?
- Janus still just sounds sad, and uncomprehending.
- Hayley asks in a shaky voice.
<Janus> ... What? <Hayley> Oh, it would be very hard, but if you want, I could cast Backward Glance. It might not work though, it's been more than a year. <Janus> Just tell me. <Hayley> Would you believe me?
- Hayley seems upset... this is not going to go over well. ;_;
<Janus> Oh never mind. <Hayley> . o O (Why did Windrider tell you?)
- Janus stands.
- Hayley gets bumped off his lap then. :/
<Janus> (I thought you were still sitting on the arm) <Hayley> (Yeah, but I was leaning on you, and holding your hand) <Janus> (if not then I wouldn't get up and dump you :) <Hayley> (So not bumped off your lap, but kind of pushed aside.)
- Janus just turns his face away from you, then.
<Hayley> Oh, Janus... <Hayley> (Empathy... do you *really* want to know?) <Hayley> (This is going to be awful.) <Janus> (you have no idea... because neither do I :V) <Janus> I love my mother. She would never do anything to harm me, or those I care for. <Hayley> She loves you very much, yes. <Janus> She has made sacrifices for me the likes of which you have... you have no idea...!
- Janus 's voice breaks slightly.
<Hayley> I know. I know she has.
- Hayley is not leaning on you so much, now, but she is still holding your hand...
- Janus shakes his head, growing more upset.
<Hayley> But she really doesn't like me very much, you know that. <Hayley> I misunderstood her. <Hayley> I am sorry. I wish I had not. <Janus> That much is certain.
- Hayley wishes she could tell you but it would hurt you and you'd probably get angry at me. ;_;
- Hayley stands up and moves away a few paces, so you can get up too, if you want.
- Hayley turns and smiles unhappily at you.
<Hayley> It was my fault, for misunderstanding what she said. I'm glad Windrider pointed out the error of my ways. <Hayley> I wish I'd figured it out earlier, though... it would have saved me a lot of heartache, and you, too.
- Janus slowly gets to his feet, and straightens out his shirt.
<Hayley> I'm just - I'm not perfect. I make mistakes. I'm sorry... <Janus> So... what now?
- Hayley finishes lamely, looking down at the ground.
- Hayley looks back up at you.
<Hayley> (What now as in you want to do something, or you think we need to discuss more things?) <Janus> How shall we move on... <Janus> Now that you need no longer be motivated by fear of my mother's reprisals... <Janus> ¬_¬ <Hayley> Well... that will help a lot, of course. <Hayley> But should I keep coming to you for permission to do things...? <Hayley> Well, things like spend more time with my friends, anyway... <Janus> I only want to know that you are safe...! <Hayley> I know. <Janus> Is that such a terrible thing to ask? <Hayley> No... <Hayley> But can't you trust me not to do anything dangerous without running it by you first? <Hayley> I mean, if it's just that I've been invited to stay for tea somewhere... do you need to know I won't be home for tea? <Hayley> Well, yes of course you do. <Janus> Yes... :(
- Janus pouts like a schoolboy.
<Hayley> That's only courtesy... it was a bad example. <Hayley> Well, how about this one then... <Hayley> I befriended the Count and Countess of Bangor's servant, Jeanie... <Hayley> And remember I asked if it would be all right if I went to a little impromptu party for her, the evening before she left? <Hayley> And it was here at the castle, but most of her friends were men. <Janus> ¬_¬ <Hayley> :/ <Janus> You need not ask... But I would like to know... <Janus> In case... in case I should need you for something. <Hayley> All right. <Janus> Is that bad? <Hayley> You know I wouldn't do anything beyond dance with them, right? Because I know how important that is to you, and I respect you and love you. <Janus> I do know... <Hayley> No... it's not bad. I could just send a page with a message, right? <Janus> Yes...
- Hayley smiles slightly.
<Hayley> All right. <Hayley> And with my close friends, is it all right if I hug them sometimes? Just as friends do - when you need a hug or when you're excited about something... Is that okay? <Janus> What?
- Janus looks confused.
- Hayley seems to actually think that would be a big deal for you.
<Janus> Why would I care about that? <Hayley> Well, some of my friends are male... I thought you might... take it the wrong way. <Janus> You think so little of me.
- Janus sighs sadly.
- Hayley looks unhappy too.
<Hayley> I'm sorry - it's just... whenever I used to bring up Smith, or someone else, you were always so jealous... <Janus> I am... I cannot help it. Because I know they are still in your heart. <Hayley> But Janus, they're dead...
- Hayley says softly.
<Hayley> It's like talking about my mother and father... <Janus> Is it so strange for a man not to want to hear of his companion's ex-lovers? <Hayley> Oh... well I never got into what we might have done in private. I just needed to talk, to help me get over the grieving. I'm sorry. <Hayley> :( <Hayley> Anyway... I guess I misunderstood you, too. <Hayley> I'm really bad at this, aren't I? <Janus> I do not know where you got the impression that I was such an ogre. :( <Janus> Small wonder then, that you resent me so...
- Janus goes over and stands by the window.
<Hayley> Oh... <Hayley> It's my fault, not yours!
- Hayley does break down into tears again.
<Janus> What else is there? <Janus> ... <Hayley> That's all...
- Janus re-crosses the room and takes your hands in his.
<Janus> Please don't cry. I cannot bear it...
- Hayley looks up at you remorsefully.
- Janus closes his eyes, squeezing your hands tightly.
<Hayley> I'm sorry! Sometimes I just have to. <Hayley> I'm such an idiot.
- Hayley squeezes out between sobs.
- Janus lets your hands go and puts his arms around you instead, drawing you closer.
<Hayley> Yes, I am... I brought all of this upon myself.
It's... it's alright.
<Hayley> I let my imagine run away with me like a five year old, and I'm supposed to be 17, almost 18.
<Hayley> I don't feel very grown up.
<Hayley> And now I'm crying like a baby too.
- Hayley dashes her tears away angrily. It looks funny, really.
<Janus> It will be alright, Hayley.
- Hayley manages to brnig herself under control again.
<Janus> I love you. That has not changed... <Janus> We will always be together.... This is just... a storm that we must weather.
- Hayley hugs you tightly.
- Janus softly strokes your hair.
<Hayley> I'm sorry for being such a psycho... <Janus> Well... Perhaps we have both acted poorly. <Janus> :/
- Hayley clings to you.
- Janus brushes the vestiges of tears from your cheeks.
<Janus> No more tears.
- Hayley rubs her face to get rid of the last bit of moisture from her tears.
<Hayley> I'm so lucky... so lucky to have you. <Hayley> I don't know who else would put up with me.
- Hayley turns her face up and smiles for you bravely.
<Janus> No-one else shall ever be so fortunate.
- Janus leans forward and lightly kisses your forehead, just between your eyebrows.
- Hayley lifts her hand to brush some of his hair back behind his ear.
<Hayley> I wanted to say how especially good you look tonight...
- Janus smiles self-consciously.
<Janus> Thank you... <Janus> You always look so beautiful. <Hayley> Oh...
- Hayley blushes and looks away modestly.
<Janus> Don't look away... My sun rises in your golden eyes.
- Janus reaches out to turn your chin back towards him.
- Hayley turns back then, how can she not?
<Hayley> (You Sidhe... a common girl cannot resist. ;_;)
- Hayley tips her chin up for a proper kiss.
- Janus gazes into your eyes with an intense passion, then leans in to kiss you...
- Hayley feels like swooning, but responds in kind.
<Hayley> Oh, you Sidhe... <Janus> Hmm?
- Janus kisses your neck, just below your ear, running his hands through your curls.
- Hayley allows herself to be ravished, and ravishes you in return!
Session Close: Tue May 31 05:39:37 2005